


only half a blue sky, kinda there but not quite

by tomlinblows



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Doctor!Liam, M/M, but happy ending, cancer!zayn, harry is minor, larry stylinson - Freeform, lots of pain, niall is cheery, side larry - Freeform, sort of, ziam, zouis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-27
Updated: 2014-03-27
Packaged: 2018-01-17 05:00:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1374727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomlinblows/pseuds/tomlinblows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn was never a boy scout, and his bones certainly ached with every step and most days it was hard for him to weigh the hope over the pain; but when he thought of Liam Payne's ass in those scrubs, fuck- he was sure that he'd never felt better in his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	only half a blue sky, kinda there but not quite

**Author's Note:**

> comments are greatly appreciated and i'm really sorry for the amount of tears i'm about to be held responsible for.

For Zayn, he doesn’t remember when it started. He can’t recall the unwanted weight loss, or the feeling of getting a full nine hours of rest but feeling too tired to get out of bed in the morning. He doesn’t seem to be able to look back on feeling full after a few bites of a sandwich, when normally he could scarf down half a pizza no problem. The pain in his bones seems new, though the doctors say it’s been going on for months. Zayn knows that. He knows he has Leukemia, and he knows the symptoms it brought him. But he can't seem to call any of it to mind. He doesn't want to call himself _sick._

 

“This floor is where you’ll all be volunteering, each assigned a room and surgeon. Since we’ve already discussed what you’ll be doing with the doctors, let’s go over your patient rules. You are here to help them, talk to them, develop a friendship. Make them feel happy for a little while!” Ronny, the volunteer director, booms at the crowd. A smile is plastered across his face as he hands out room numbers, and Liam grins at his. Room 127B. 

 

The room is pretty close by, but the curtains are shut and the door is closed unlike everyone else’s. Liam knocks twice, and when he hears a grunt, he enters.

 

“Who are you?” The black haired boy asks, widening his doe eyes. Liam swallows to wet his suddenly dry throat when he sees the lad. _Somebody this attractive has Leukemia?_

 

“Hiya mate, I’m Liam Payne, volunteer for the cancer patient in room 127. I'm here to assist surgeons on their operations and stuff, for my career. I'm 18, and my file here says that you're the same. That's cool, mate, really nice to meet you, I'm Liam. ” Liam smiles, sweetly and endearingly, which Zayn catches on to. He grins back, introducing himself.

 

"You said that already," Zayn smiles. Liam grins nervously, thinking about how stupid he was for repeating his name. Zayn probably thinks he's weird now, he thinks. 

 

“Those are some wicked tattoos scattered on your arms!” 

 

Zayn usually laughs at annoying comments like that, because it’s so obvious people are trying to be overly friendly and irritating when they say shit like that to him. But he finds himself blushing at Liam’s comment, and Liam closes his lips when he smiles this time, and Zayn decides he really likes when Liam does that. 

 

“So Zayn, tell me about yourself.” 

 

“Uh, I like to draw and stuff, I used to spray paint and doodle a lot before I got sick. Marvel and DC take up a lot of my life too, and I like music a good bit.”

 

“We have a lot of stuff in common actually, I like comics a good bit myself and music a whole lot. I sing sometimes, but my sisters say I’m shit, so. Got lots of friends?”

 

“Only a handful. Well, 3, really. Louis, Niall, and Harry. Lou and Harry are together, but they weren’t when I met them. I don’t just hang out with couples because I like to third wheel.” 

 

Liam laughs, really laughs, not like he was instructed to or anything like that. Liam finds himself actually taking a true liking to Zayn. 

 

“So I take it you’re single?” 

 

“Oh no, tons of guys want to fuck a cancer patient.” Zayn laughs. Liam likes the sound of it, and really likes the sound of Zayn pointing out guys. 

 

“Well you’re in luck then,” Liam whispers. “Just between us, I happen to be extremely into cancer guys.”

 

“You don’t say? That must really be why you're here, you perv.” 

 

Liam nods, biting his lip as he smiles so he doesn’t laugh. 

 

“Guess it’s only fair if I own up to taking a keen liking to volunteer workers as well.”

 

“Hm, it must be the scrubs, yeah?”

 

“Well I prefer you guys without.” 

 

Their laughter molds together perfectly, launching them into a whole new conversation about movies that really gets Liam to appreciate Zayn. They’re so alike, scarily, almost. He’s glad he didn’t get someone who he had to pretend to be interested in. 

 

_

 

The next day Liam is told to come in a little later because Zayn has visiter’s coming. Niall stops in first and tells Zayn that Louis and Harry are running late (they don’t wonder why; it’s obvious they’re fucking) and Zayn mindlessly laughs at the thought. _What else is new?_

 

“I suppose it’s a bit silly to ask how’ve you been, with the cancer and all, but how’re you feeling lately?” 

 

“Cancerous,” Zayn replies, and Niall laughs. “No, but seriously, not as good as I used to. I can feel myself getting worse. It’s like I’m just slowly shutting down, like a fucking building after closing time when you see the office lights shutting off one by one. I think that all my lights are going to be off soon and everyone’s going to leave their jobs and I’m going to be dark and die.”

 

Niall swallows like his throat is thick, and he almost says something but Louis and Harry beam their way through the door, waving at Niall and giving Zayn a proper fist bump. 

 

“How’s it going today?”

 

“He thinks he’s going to be a dead office building soon,” Niall recaps. 

 

“Brilliant.” Harry says, speaking on both his and Louis’ behalf. They have no idea what that means, but they go with it, because when you’re around Zayn that’s just what you do. You don’t question things too much. 

 

“Got any cute nurses on this floor?” Niall tries to lighten the mood a lot; keeps everything in high spirits. He tries, and it’s always appreciated, but it’s quite hard to find a happy face in a cancer hospital. Zayn remembers going to a restaurant when he was younger for his birthday and there was a clown making balloons. The waitress said she came every Wednesday night to make the kids happy. Niall should be one of those, but for cancer patients, and with less balloons. He really is the definition of ‘I’m just happy to be here’ and Zayn thinks maybe that would rub off on them. It does on him, sometimes. 

 

“Sorry mate, unless you’re into the old woman who cleans my bed pan, I can’t help you much.” 

 

“Any male nurses?” Harry suggests, Louis punching him in the arm. Liam comes to Zayn’s mind, but he immediately plans on not telling them about him. Well, not telling Louis anyways. Everyone knows not to make that mistake. 

 

“Look at him, he’s thinking! There is somebody!” Louis chirps, racing to Zayn’s side and towering over his sickly body. 

 

“He isn’t somebody, he’s just Liam. Liam Payne, a volunteer for my big operation in a few months. He’s- he’s training here, and I guess part of that includes making friends with me or something, I dunno. He got assigned to me and that’s all there is to it, Lou.” 

 

“Zaynie here has a crush,” Harry smirks, making Zayn roll his eyes. It takes all he has not to blush, because you don’t do that in front of Louis either, _you don’t._  

 

“Fuck off, man.” Zayn smiles.

 

Niall’s phone beeps and he studies the screen before hopping off the end of Zayn’s cot. 

 

“Greg needs me down at the pub for some reason, let me know if that bed pan lady is free Friday night!”

 

“Niall, she’s nearing her 90’s, you’ll be lucky if she’s even alive by Friday night.” Zayn calls after him as the door closes. Niall’s loud laughter echoes throughout the quiet hall, and things come to an awkward silence at the mention of death. Louis’ always quick to clear those up, though. 

 

“90’s, huh? Maybe she’s the one who needs the bed pan.” 

 

The room is bursting with life in no time after that, and Zayn gives Louis a very thankful smile.

 

_

 

A few hours later, when Zayn is in the middle of a rather needed nap, Liam taps on the door. He doesn’t hear an answer, but he also doesn’t hear a go away, so he enters the room. 

 

“Zayn-” Liam shushes himself when he sees that he’s asleep, and catches himself smiling as he stares at Zayn. He looks happy, and if Liam concentrates hard enough and adds a little more color to his face and a few more pounds of muscle to his lanky arms, he looks normal and healthy. Liam wishes he could trade places with Zayn. He deserves so much better; he’s so wonderful inside, Liam doesn’t see how anything as ugly as cancer could be inside of him. 

 

Liam grabs the extra blanket from under the sink and brings it up to Zayn’s chin, tucking him in and wavering above his forehead- deciding wether or not he should kiss it. He wants to. He wanted to the minute he first saw Zayn. 

 

But it’s silly, so so silly. Liam is Liam and somebody as extraordinary and beautiful as Zayn wouldn’t want to kiss him. So Liam picks up his head and tucks the corners in on Zayn’s blanket before getting ready to walk to the door when he feels a hand latch onto his wrist. Before he could turn his head, he’s being pulled down and feels a warm pair of soft lips press against his. He doesn’t let himself register what’s happening, because he wouldn’t believe it and might do something stupid like pull away, so he kisses the pair of lips pushing against his and sinks into a state of bliss that no force in the world could break. 

 

“I hope I’m not contagious,” Zayn grins, booping Liam on the nose once he’s pulled away. Liam admires the crinkles by Zayn’s eyes and sees them like waves, pulling him further in until he’s too far out to keep his head above water. Liam likes it, though, he likes that feeling. 

 

“I really wouldn’t mind if you were.” They smile at each other, and neither of them decide to say another word that isn’t ended with a kiss. Liam doesn’t mind not speaking, though Zayn’s voice may be his favourite sound, because when they kiss Zayn crinkles and Liam doesn’t feel like he can breathe. And somehow, that sensation of drowning feels much more like a breath of fresh air.

 

_ 

 

“Hello Mr. Malik,” Dr. Rae chirps, waddling into the room and pulling the stool under himself. “How’re we feeling today?” 

 

“Not bad, actually,” Zayn admits. “Where’s Liam?” 

 

“Oi, I believe he couldn’t make it today. Why, do you need him for something?” 

 

 _Just my happiness for the day is all_ , Zayn feels like blurting out. 

 

“No, guess not.” 

 

“Good, then. So it says here that you’re refusing chemo and just want to get right on with the surgery?” 

 

“When the time is right, yeah. No treatment for me.” 

 

“Why’s that? It could really save you, Mr. Malik-”

 

“Because if it doesn’t, the last place I want to die is hooked up to a bunch of machines as some drugged out bald man. It’s my decision, it doesn’t have to make sense to you.” 

 

“Fair enough, sir. So now what I’m going to do is give you a minor check up to see how you’re coming along and all that, so please turn on your side.” 

 

Zayn shivers at those words, flashbacks flooding his mind. He remembers hearing those instructions when he first got diagnosed. It was only a check up, but when they pressed around his spleen, he rattled in pain. He remembers the doctors calm face turn a quick pale, and his brow furrowed. He had known what it was- _what was to come._  

 

When he’s in position, Dr. Rae lightly presses his fingers along Zayn’s belly, and he winces when necessary. Dr. Rae is usually good at hiding emotions during things like this Zayn figured out, but this time a small flash of concern masks his usually blank face. Zayn brushes it off and continues following the doctors orders. 

 

He rates his headaches on a scale of one to ten, always a seven and a half, and explains which joints and bones are painful most of the time. He tells him about feeling weak a lot, and when the doctor brings up his ten pound weight loss, he spills about how he hasn’t been hungry lately, either. Zayn knows the drill. He’s a cancer patient now, there’s no hiding or denying it. It’s for all to see. 

 

Most of the time, though, he thinks about his life before he was sick. He misses a few things in particular, actually.

 

He misses staying out all night with the boys and having his sisters storm in his room at 10 in the morning on a Saturday, dragging him out to the kitchen for pancakes and Mum’s special eggs. He misses skateboarding with Louis and watching Niall hit on girls at the cinema but always getting rejected and going to see a footie game with Harry; as long as Lou was playing of course. He misses having too much time instead of not enough. Zayn misses his life not feeling like a broken clock, ready to stop at any moment. 

 

And _oh_ , how Zayn wishes he had met Liam in those times. When things didn’t feel like they were ending and there wasn’t enough time to even say hello because the only thing that comes next is goodbye; he misses feeling like he had a middle to live, not just a beginning and now, an ending. He wishes he had the chance to kiss Liam some place prettier. He wishes he could take Liam on a proper date and get pizza or something, so that when Liam gets a little sauce on his lips Zayn can wipe it away and see Liam blush and _shit_ , would that be nice.

 

"Zayn?"

 

The doctors sharp voice snaps Zayn out of his cloudy thoughts and he focuses his attention back on Dr. Rae.

 

"How've you been feeling?"

 

"You have the charts, Doc. You know." 

 

"I mean emotionally," The doctor states, rolling the gloves off his hands and tossing them into the bin. Zayn thinks for a moment, and can't really come up with an answer. He doesn't really know himself. 

 

"I've been as good as I can for a cancer patient." 

 

Dr. Rae leans in close to Zayn, and gives him a sort of sad smile before placing a firm hand on Zayn's boney shoulder. 

 

"You can be honest with me, son. Depression is the most common side effect of cancer. It's perfectly normal if you are experiencing it, just tell me so I can prescribe you some medicine to take care of it. How have you _really_ been feeling, Zayn?"

 

"I've felt good, Dr," Zayn reassures him with a soft smile. He thought of Liam's chocolatey eyes and smooth lips and thick eyebrows and button nose and the little birthmark on his neck and brought his right hand up level to his face. "Scouts honor."

 

Zayn was never a scout, and his bones certainly ached with every step and most days it was hard for him to weigh the hope over the pain; but when he thought of Liam Payne's ass in those scrubs,  _fuck_ \- he was sure that he'd never felt better in his life. 

 

_

 

It’s been seven weeks now that Liam and Zayn have met. Liam started showing up with comic books and movies and new pads and fresh pencils for Zayn to experiment with. Louis visits more than Harry and Niall, but he doesn’t tell them. Him and Zayn had always been closer. 

 

“I talked to that fat doctor and he said since you were doing better and being so much happier, that you could try coming home tomorrow. Y’up for it, mate?” 

 

“Is that even a question, Tommo? ‘Course I’m fucking up to it!” Zayn laughed shortly and Louis took a seat in the chair next to Zayn, suddenly becoming quiet. Zayn turned his head towards him, and noticed he looked hollow. Like somebody had just scooped all the light right out of Louis’ eyes, and he’s never seen that disappear before, not even when his pet goldfish died when they were 7 or when Harry and him got in that one bad fight last year. Louis never looked that empty; that- gone. 

 

Hell, he was starting to look like Zayn. 

 

“I haven’t said much about this whole cancer thing,” Lou said with a voice that didn’t quite sound like it belonged him. “I suppose- shit, I just don’t know anymore, Zayn. Every time I leave this room knowing that my best fucking mate in the world could die at any second and there’s not a thing I can do to protect you from that, really fucking sucks. Sometimes I feel like a pair of limbs just walking around with nothing inside of me except you in my head and sadness in my heart, and I don’t normally talk deep like that, and maybe you’re contagious after all, but it’s fucking true. I mean hell, bro, if I’m this lost now, imagine what’s going to happen to me if you aren’t here. Gonna lose my fucking mind, Zayn, at least what’s left of the damn thing. Without you, Zayn Malik, I am just a pair of limbs. A broken fucking pair of limbs with a broken fucking heart to match.” 

 

“Shut up Lou, you’re more than that. You’re Harry’s world, and we know god damn well that you’re Niall’s fucking idol; the lad _worships_ you. He’d go mad if you were to do something stupid over me. And most importantly, you’re my best mate. Wether I’m around to say it or not, that will not change. Dammit, Louis, I really fucking love you, mate, and I mean it enough to say it. I won’t go anywhere anytime soon, alright? It’s alright, Louis, it’s going to be alright.” 

 

“Alright,” Louis whispered. 

 

The two boys took in deep breaths and Zayn grasped Louis’ knee. Louis didn’t believe it was going to be alright, but he nodded and placed his hand atop of Zayn’s because right now what Zayn needed most was a hand to hold. And if Louis could give him anything, it could definitely be that. 

 

_

 

The next morning Liam comes in to help bring Zayn home, but Liam wasn’t wearing his uniform this time.  He was dressed in a simple pair of light wash jeans and a plaid shirt atop a grey one, with dusty white converse tucked underneath the bottoms. Today Liam was off duty, because he was going to spend the day with his boyfriend. 

 

“Aw babe, our first time out of a hospital together.” Zayn cooed, reaching over to pat Liam’s hair. 

 

“I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you walk. You look sexy love- studly, too.” 

 

“I’ve learned from the master,” Zayn laughed. “Speak of the devil!”

 

In walked Louis who hugged Zayn so tight he could basically feel all his broken cancerous pieces sticking back together. Niall and Harry trailed close behind, enveloping Zayn in a big three-way hug which sent Harry into a small fit of tears. It was weird for a moment. They were just outside, hugging, like the four normal lads they used to be. It was like nothing had changed. But then Zayn would feel his legs suddenly get weak for a moment and have Liam check his pulse and realize that nothing was ever going to be the same again with this sickness around.

 

“Anything you wanna do, we’re up for pal!” Harry grinned, cheekily. 

 

“Well since I don’t know how long I’ll be home for, how about I spend the next few hours with all of you lads, but the night with just Liam. Is that okay with all of you?” Zayn pretended not to see Liam blush in the corner. 

 

“Obviously that’s bloody okay Zayn, whatever you wanna do, we wanna do.” Louis snorted. Zayn shot him a gracious smile as they headed towards Harry’s big Rover. They all squeezed into the car and raced down to one of Zayn’s old favourite places Louis was sure he would love. 

 

“Here we are,” He announced, pulling in and settling down Liam and Niall’s debate over which bands are better than others. _Niall’s a right laugh_ , Liam had murmured into Zayn’s ear as they unlatched their seat belts. 

 

“Louis, you didn’t-” Zayn’s sentence fell short as his body stopped at the view of his favourite place in the world right in front of him. “We haven’t been here since we were fucking primaries.”

 

Silverline Shore. Zayn spent nearly all his early years down here, molding himself into the sand or dangling off the pier banisters. He would write, but mainly draw, when he needed to get away. He remembers bringing Louis down here for the first time. It was just like the feeling of bringing a stranger into your secret clubhouse when you were a kid. It was special and it required trust. Louis never told Zayn, but that’s when he figured out they were best mates. 

 

Some of Zayn’s best thoughts are scattered around this shore, stuck in clumps of seaweed and being reeled in by fisherman. His whole young mind surrounded the nearly abandoned shoreline. It was small and beautiful only to Zayn, with rocks to sit on and an old pier. Only a few fisherman stopped by once a year in search for some fresh fish, but never got too lucky. It was Zayn’s place, after all. Louis used to be convinced Zayn had somehow drew the place up and constructed it to real life. 

 

“Do you think it’s still here, Lou?” Zayn called out from the rocks Liam was helping him climb down. Louis skidded across them and soon joined Zayn on the sand below the rocks, grabbing his arm and running over to the tree. 

 

“You’ve got to be shitting me!” 

 

Right there carved in bark was _“L + Z Best Mates Forever”_ looking just like it did when they had first written it years and years ago. Zayn really couldn’t believe his eyes. A few trees were gone, and some rocks had somehow disappeared, but this silly little carving remained untouched by Mother Nature for this long. In Zayn’s opinion, that’s really something special.

 

“So lads, who’s up for a spontaneous dip?” Louis cheered, peeling off his shirt and trousers and throwing Harry under him as they crashed against the gentle waves. Niall was nearly a split second behind them, jumping in and latching onto the boys like he was their son. Zayn laughed to himself; he could _totally_ see that happening. 

 

“I can’t believe Louis even remembered this old place. We haven’t brought it up in about 8 years. I swear it’s like he can read my fucking mind sometimes.” 

 

“What a lucky man,” Liam smiled. Zayn chuckled, pushing on Liam’s shoulder until they both fell back into the sand next to each other, peering up at the sunny sky before turning towards each other. Liam intertwined their hands, kissing each of Zayn’s lanky fingers. 

 

“So this yet another piece of Zayn Malik; a small shore off the coast of the sea. I really would’ve bet my money on like, a skate park or somewhere dark and smoky and mysterious.” 

 

“Oh, so is that what I am to you? A black, creepy, skate park.” 

 

“I was thinking more of a club with like, lots of drugs and glow paint.” 

 

“Since when do I do drugs?” 

 

“Shut up,” Liam smiled into Zayn’s cheek. Suddenly Zayn popped up off the sand, jogging back into the bush to find an old pointy stick. He grabbed Liam’s hands and ran over to the tree, a crazy happy look on his face. 

 

“You're not going to stick that up my bum or something are you?” Liam asked. Zayn laughed for a second before leaning it against the tree under his last signature and carefully beginning to carve an L. 

 

“I’m carving our names into the tree,” Zayn stated. “Right under Lou and I’s.” 

 

“Well, Zayn- is Louis going to be okay with that?” 

 

“What’s he gonna do, say no to a cancer pateint?” 

 

Liam opened his mouth to speak, but shut it in a few seconds after realizing Zayn was totally right. Plus, Liam couldn’t argue. You don’t say no to a cancer patient, and you don’t argue with one either.

 

“There.” Zayn blew the dust away, and watched Liam’s eyes light up. 

 

_L + Z In Love For Always_

 

“In love for always,” Liam repeated in a voice barely above a whisper. Zayn had a small smile glued on his lips and Liam slowly leaned in to press their mouths together, when a very wet Louis ran up and shook his head out like a wet dog on them. 

 

“Water’s fuckin' perfect today, take a dip, the two of you!” 

 

Liam and Zayn wandered over to where Harry’s clothes were splayed out and shed theirs onto the pile. They joined hands and raced off into the water, right against a powerful wave that sent Zayn into a blissful state of shock that felt like a thousand marbles jutting into his skin at once; tearing him apart bit by bit. He felt refreshed, and wanted to stay under that water until he developed gills. 

 

When Liam came up for air, the first thing he searched for was Zayn, who was treading water right next to him; his head cocked back and a sly smirk ghosting his lips. Zayn opened his eyes and felt Liam slipping his hand tightly into Zayn's as another wave came and knocked them into a frenzy, but Zayn loved it. 

 

What he didn’t love, though, was the feeling of coming up for a breath and not knowing how many more he had left in his life before he took his last. 

 

He tried not to think about that, though, which surprisingly wasn’t hard. With Liam dancing around in the water with him, surrounded by his mates he loved more than anybody else in the universe, at his favourite place to be, it was hard to think about anything else but happiness. 

 

_

 

“Hey, Li. Why are you here so early? You weren’t supposed to come in until an hour and a half. I’m fine babe, you don’t have to check u-”

 

“Zayn, love, I’m here because there’s no other place I’d rather be.” Liam smiles so sweetly and genuinely Zayn doesn’t think twice about it, and his chest spreads with a familiar warmth Liam brings. Zayn was back in the hospital. He was fine at home for three whole days, but on the fourth morning he started burning up like crazy so Louis rushed him over. Dr. Rae assured them it was common, and if things cleared up quickly Zayn could return back home, but for now he must stay monitored and cared for. Just for precaution. 

 

Liam set down his light brown satchel he carried with him full of paperwork (probably Zayn’s health records) and curled up next to Zayn. Liam snuggled his way into the crook of Zayn’s neck and for a moment they just smiled from the mere fact that they were in love; in so, so much love. Liam wondered how cancer could even kill an amount of love this strong; it was spreading faster than the damn illness.

 

“Babe, can I ask you something?” Zayn asked in a quiet voice. 

 

“Shoot.” 

 

“Why aren’t you with somebody who isn’t dying?” 

 

“Well, because I’m not in love with anybody who isn’t dying. And you aren’t going to die, Zayn, you’re just sick-” 

 

“Could you stop fucking ignoring the obvious truth Liam? For once, Jesus fucking Murphy, can you accept it? I’m dying right now Liam! I’m not going to be here for much longer. Just go and find somebody who will be before you get too hurt. That’s all I am; a pain. I hurt myself and I hurt everyone else around me. I don’t want you to spend the rest of your Saturday nights at my grave, Liam, I want you to spend them with somebody who can give you what I can’t; what you deserve more than anybody. A happy life.” 

 

Nobody said a word for several minutes until Liam cleared his throat, fighting back tears. 

 

“Despite being your boyfriend, I’m still the medically educated one here and I have your forms, and your records. I can know for a fact if you’re dying or not, and shit, Zayn, you’re not! You’re not going to die! You’re going to live and I’m going to spend all my Saturday nights with you, just you and me, above ground and living the happy life we know we deserve. I’m going to make sure you live, I fucking promise to you.” 

 

“I’m not gonna make it, Li,” Zayn’s voice shook like aftershocks of a great disaster and his lips quivered. Tears leaked from behind his eyelids and he looked up into Liam’s hard brown eyes, that were normally so soft, like a kicked puppy. The crease in Liam’s brow evened out and he placed his hands over his eyes. 

 

“Who’s your favorite Marvel hero?” Liam asked, interrupting the thick tension. 

 

“Captain America. What does that have to do-”

 

“Captain America survived polio, Zayn, but still saved the world,” Liam’s voice went soft and light as he looked into Zayn’s doe eyes. “If he can do that, so can you.” 

 

“He had help, though.” 

 

“You have help. You have a whole team of medical staff, Dr. Rae and I, all the technology this hospital is equipped with. Shit, all against some fucking blood cells.” 

 

“Bastards, they are.” Zayn smiled, his tongue peeking out through his teeth a little. Liam loved when he did that. Liam wiped away his wet cheeks and picked up his brown bag, slinging it over his shoulder.

 

“Wanna go to the cafeteria? I heard it’s pizza day.” Liam smiled, close-mouthed. 

 

Zayn sat up, slowly getting to his feet but stumbling back a bit. Liam rushed to his aide, steadying him and Zayn chuckled, assuring Liam that he was okay and just a little worn down from sitting for so long. Maybe not fully truthfully, but Liam agreed, and slowly released his grasp. Zayn knew this wasn’t good, though. He had never been this weak before. He walked slow, like an old man.

 

Liam turned back at Zayn, biting back a laugh. 

 

“Slow down there, speedy.”

 

-

 

Liam drives Zayn home two days later once he’s been released. They stop for a burger along the way, and when they get to Zayn’s flat he shares with Louis, everybody is waiting. Hugs and bro-fists are shared (and a bro-kiss on the cheek from Harry) and Zayn explains that he was awfully tired and that they would hang more tomorrow. So Zayn takes Liam to bed and when Liam closes the door carefully, he turns around and grins at Zayn. 

 

They look at each other from across the room, and they smile. But they're smiling for different reasons. Liam is smiling because the damn beauty radiating off of Zayn is fucking symmetric, and then there's Zayn, who's smiling because he knows that when he smiles Liam smiles, and that's the last thing Zayn wants to see every night before he goes to bed. That's the first thing he wants to see when he wakes up, too, but the problem with that is that he might not. Zayn doesn't think about that when he closes his eyes; just focuses on the blackness of his mind and Liam Payne's smile. 

 

Zayn hears the shower turn on several seconds later, and listens to Liam humming as he steps in. Zayn laughs softly to himself as he gets an idea. A very dirty idea that Liam wouldn’t be able to say no to. Because everyone knows you can’t say no to a cancer patient. And more importantly, Liam couldn't say no to Zayn. 

 

Zayn slips his way through the crack of the bathroom door without any notice from Liam. Liam still has his back turned to Zayn as he shakes out of his jeans and pulls out from his t-shirt. He tiptoes over Liam’s white shirt and trousers on the ground before dragging a hand through his hair and sliding past the shower door. When he gets in, Liam has a fistful of soapy loofa and begins dragging it across his fucking perfectly lanky yet toned body and Zayn feels his breath catch in his throat. Liam turns around to press his back against the water to rid it of the soap and he nearly screams when he sees Zayn. Zayn chuckles as Liam covers his dick with the loofa and starts breathing heavily. 

 

“Zayn, w-what the hell are you doing in here?”

 

“What do you think? There’s only so many reasons, Li.” Zayn has a sly smirk on his lips that makes Liam’s adams apple bob up and down a few times as he swallows hard, and shit, does Zayn want Liam to be swallowing something else right now, but that’s not the reason he came in here. This wasn’t for Zayn. It was about Liam. 

 

“I _could_ be in here to tell you about my day and the shitty yoghurt they served me for breakfast,” Zayn starts, eyes locked on Liam’s as water falls down his face. Zayn tugs the loofa from Liam’s hands and pins his arms to the wall. Liam was much stronger than Zayn, and could very easily escape from his slippery hold. But he didn’t, of course he didn’t, because he wanted this just as badly as Zayn did. He had been aching for this to happen, but Liam doesn’t talk about things like that. Liam’s better at talking with his hands and his actions than with his words. And he wants to show Zayn that. He slaps a hand down on Zayn’s bum and squeezes, and Zayn hisses into Liam’s shoulder, but stops him. 

 

“Try anything, and I’ll stop. Right now this is for you, not me,” Zayn says in a forceful voice. “I _could_ be in here to let you know that what I said to the boys out there about being tired was total bollucks, and that I only said it to be alone with you, and maybe to do this.” 

 

Zayn reaches down and wraps a loose hand around Liam’s very excited penis, and smirks to himself. Liam’s mouth shoots open and a shaky breath falls out, adding on to the steam in the room from the hot water. 

 

“And I _could_ be in here to tell you that I’ve been dreaming about doing this since you first walked into my room months ago; so fit looking and kind,” Zayn gets down on his knees and is face to face with Liam’s most intimate bits, a view he’s wanted to see for a while now, and begins to pump slowly, than gradually faster the more Liam moans. “But I’m not. I’m in here to do this.” 

 

Zayn replaces his hand with his mouth and Liam grabs a fistful of Zayn’s wet hair with one hand, and the top of the shower door with the other. His breathing is fast and his chest is pumping a mile a minute. His head lulls back every time Zayn takes him in far enough, and Zayn has to use one of his hands to work the rest of Liam that he can’t fit. Liam was quite big. 

 

“Zayn I’m gonna-” 

 

And he does. All over Zayn’s face and neck, he does. The water washed it away quickly and once Liam catches his breath and rides out the rest of his high, he helps Zayn to his feet and kisses him hard on the mouth. Zayn would let Liam have him right now, have him however way he wanted right here in the fucking shower for Christ’s sake, but now he really was worn out and ready for a proper rest. Cancer was such a boner-killer. Liam shut the water off and helped Zayn out of the wet shower, even though Zayn assured him he was fine on his own, and wrapped them both up in towels. He noticed Liam was still half-hard, and he deviously snickered to himself at his doings.

 

Zayn threw on a pair of old boxers and got into bed while Liam put on his briefs and stole Zayn’s Green Lantern shirt before crawling in with him. Their hair was still dripping from the shower which dampened the pillows, but they didn’t care. 

 

“You didn’t have to do that, you know.” Liam said in a small voice as he settled his head against Zayn’s frail chest, shutting his eyes. 

 

“You don’t know how badly I wanted to,” Zayn smiled. They both let the room drift into a comfortable silence for a while, until Liam’s breath had started to even into a soothing pattern and he was just about ready to drift off for the night when he heard Zayn’s melodic voice whisper from above his head. 

 

“I loved you, and I probably still do,  
And for a while the feeling may remain...  
But let my love no longer trouble you,  
I do not wish to cause you any pain.  
I loved you; and the hopelessness I knew,  
The jealousy, the shyness - though in vain -  
Made up a love so tender and so true  
As may God grant you to be loved again.”

 

“Did you write that?” Liam mumbled, his heart fluttering and his cheeks flushing. Zayn grinned and shook his head. 

 

“It’s a famous poem by Alexander Pushkin. We had to memorize it in year 6 and I guess it just sort of stuck with me. I know a lot of poems, I dunno, I like them I guess.” 

 

“I like poetry too. I’m shit at writing it, though.” 

 

“Same here,” Zayn yawned, tightening his grip on Liam’s back and cuddling further against him. “That one’s special though. It’s for you.” 

 

Liam felt his heart drop to his stomach then, and sat up a bit to look at Zayn, who had his eyes closed and his lips apart. He looked peaceful when he was sleeping. 

 

“You aren’t going anywhere, alright? I’m not ever going to love anybody as much as you, Zayn Malik. I wouldn’t want to if I was even given the chance, so enough with that rubbish. I love you, see you in the morning.” 

 

Liam pressed a light kiss to Zayn’s lips and smiled as his eyelids fluttered. He carefully laid back against Zayn’s chest once again and pushed out a breath of air. 

 

Liam found himself a little scared for the first time in a while. What if Zayn was to go away? No. No, that couldn’t happen. If Zayn goes, Liam goes, Louis would surely go, which means Harry would go, and poor little Niall would go because he would have no one left. 

 

If Zayn wasn’t here any longer, everything would fall to pieces. The world couldn’t let that happen. Hell, _Liam_ couldn’t let that happen. Zayn was scheduled for his big surgery in a few days, which Liam was assisting on. Dr. Rae, the main operator, would surely do everything they could to save Zayn. Sure, when Liam was around him his scrubs got a little sweat stained and his hands started to shake- but not when he was operating. Liam was going to have the most nimble and stable hands in the whole medical field on that day, he promises. 

 

Liam was going to save Zayn- and if you were him, that’s exactly like saving the world. 

 

_

 

The gang visited the next day since Zayn’s operation was in two days, and being around them made Zayn happy. For a while the pain in his bones didn’t exist, the unnecessary bruises on his arms weren’t there, his head didn’t pound, his appetite was back. They helped him to feel normal. 

 

“Aren’t you scared of being cut open and operated on? It’d have me runnin' for the hills!” Niall laughed. 

 

“Yeah, well I gotta do what I gotta do to stay alive, mate. It all can’t be magic.” Zayn pursed his lips into a small smile and looked at Louis, who was staring into Zayn’s eyes so intently Zayn knew he was memorizing every aspect of him. Louis wasn’t going to forget the lightness of Zayn’s round eyes, or the shape of his nose. He wasn’t going to forget the curve of his movie star smile, or the sharpness of his cheekbones. Louis didn’t know why he was memorizing Zayn, though; he didn’t need to. He was going to be the first one to see Zayn when he got out of surgery, he was going to take him to get a bite and then head to the comic book store. Shit, he could even bring Liam along. Louis was going to make sure Zayn was okay. He was going to come out alive, _and he was going to be okay._

 

“Should we, uh, say goodbye’s? Just in case and stuff...” Harry’s smooth voice lingered in the room and even Niall dropped his ever prominent smile at the thought. “Sorry I shouldn’t have said any-”

 

“No, Harry, that’s a great idea. Better to be safe than sorry, you know; let’s keep the blubbering to a minimum though, alright?” 

 

They laughed, and Zayn dug around in the bag he kept by his bed and pulled out 3 envelopes. 

 

"I've been working on these for the past few weeks," He handed one to each boy and cleared his throat. "I want you to read yours out loud. I would, but I'd start crying and I'd hate for you guys to see me for the last time as a wet mess. Lads, you’re my best mates. I love you guys, God, I really fucking do. Now somebody read- I don't have all day." 

 

Harry ran a hand through his hair and held the paper out in front of him with shaky hands. Louis pressed a kiss into his temple, and offered him a small smile. Harry, as always, returned it.

 

" _Harry, man, I love you. I’ll miss your terrible jokes that I really should’ve appreciated more, and our deep talks when it felt like you were the only one who understood me. You’re the real Ghandi, you know that? The youngest out of us all but the wisest for sure- not that you have any stiff competition between the four of us. Keep Louis happy for me, yeah, you gotta do that. Don’t change for anybody, Harry, not that I think you would. Don’t let people walk all over you, either. You have a tendency to do that. I love you so much mate; you’re the smartest person I know, which is exactly why I can't understand why you're with Louis. I'll miss you so much, H_.” 

 

Harry sat down and buried his face in a wad of tissues, which Niall took as his cue to read.

 

_“Niall, me aul son! You, mate, have a job as well. You need to keep that smile on your face forever, you hear me? Don’t let anything take that away from you. You’re the walking definition of happy go lucky. It’s like you’re just so happy to be alive that you have to smile about it all the time. And that’s a real beautiful thing, Ni, really. Keep it that way for as long as you live; not just for me, or for the boys, but for yourself. You’re so carefree, and such a fun person Niall- I see little bits of all of us in you everyday. Don’t lose those bits. I love you so much.”_

 

Somewhat composed, Niall toothily grinned at Zayn and took a seat by his feet at the end of the bed. The poor kid started bawling the minute his butt touched the sheets, and Zayn lightly kicked him with his feet, making him chuckle. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and Louis took center stage. 

 

“ _Louis, we had our talk the other week so I’ll keep this a bit short since this room is probably already jam packed to capacity with emotion. You’ve been my best friend since the start, and I wouldn’t change that for the world. Dammit, Tommo, you need to take my place now. You need to be the glue to hold this all together, you hear me? Louis, I love you. I’d say it a billion times and it still wouldn’t feel like enough. And between us- not to go all soft on you now or anything- but I always thought it was pretty cool having my own personal superhero as a best friend. You've been here for me from start to finish, and no amount of thanks in the world could prove to you how amazing you are for that.”_

 

The air in the room felt heavy unlike before, and Harry let his last tears out against Louis’ chest while Niall hid his head in his shirt. Louis remained unreadable, like most dramatic times. He wraps a tight hand around Harry's back but doesn't dare break eye contact with Zayn. He was taking him all in; every last detail of his best mate so that he would be locked in his brain till the end of his time. 

 

“Visitor hour is almost up, lads, so there’s one final thing I need to know before I go under the knife. I need to be assured that you’re all going to be alright without me. Not immediately, or even soon after, but eventually. And I need you to stick together. Can you do that?” 

 

They nod their heads. 

 

“Thank you, boys. And one more thing,” Zayn continues, his voice getting a little shaky at the thought. “I need you all to take care of Liam. I know he’s going to fall apart, and he’s going to not want to live anymore. He’s going to convince you all to let him die so he could be with me, but please don’t let him do that. He deserves to finish the life I couldn’t, and to find someone to pick up where I had to leave off. Please boys, don't let him forget that the world needs him. And everyday, tell him I love him. Not loved; _love._ Because wherever I end up after here, I will be loving him.” 

 

The visiting hour was over and Niall and Harry gave Zayn very tight hugs and lots of kisses before stepping into the hall, leaving Louis and Zayn together. Louis stealthily walked over to Zayn’s side and looked down at him through wet lashes. Zayn smiled up at him, at an attempt to cheer him up, but Louis crashed into Zayn’s chest and let everything go.

 

“I can’t do it man, I can’t do anything without you.” He sobbed, bringing Zayn to tears in a matter of seconds. 

 

“Louislouislouis,” Zayn muttered, prying him from his chest and looking him in the eye. “Stop this. Things are going to be okay.” 

 

“No, Zayn-” 

 

A nurse pried open the door and told Zayn that Louis needed to leave now or she would have to call security. Louis flicked her off, and Zayn had to bite back a laugh as she exited the room in a huff.

 

“Just trust what I said, okay? This isn't the end of the world. Don't focus on what you're losing, focus on what you have left. I love you more than anything, Louis. I’ll see you later.”

 

Louis slowly made his way to the door, and somehow found the strength in him to turn the knob, and step one leg out of the room. He looked Zayn up and down once more before meeting his eyes, and he smiled the saddest smile that could've possibly ever been smiled.

 

“See you later, Zayn.” 

 

The door closed, and the lack of light in Louis’ always bright eyes left Zayn realizing that he had just seen his best mates for the last time. And something about that made him feel like nothing could ever be as painful as what he was feeling right now. Not even death. 

_

 

“Today’s the big day,” The head surgeon grinned, skimming through his cluttered clipboard and balancing a glance between Liam and Zayn. Liam can’t even seem to pick up both sides of his lips and fold them into a smile like he usually does at the doctor, so he just nods. “What’re you thinking boys, good feelings? Liam here really knows what he’s doing Mr. Malik, don’t worry. You are in some good hands.”

 

The surgeon laughs, but the air in the room is lifeless. 

 

“Zayn,” He pipes up from the bed. “You can call me Zayn, I’m not much of a ‘mister’ type.” 

 

He coldly chuckles as he turns over his arms, letting Liam admire his comic book-like skin. He remembers the long days the two would spend tracing them up his body and hearing the story behind each one. Liam always wished he would be on one of Zayn’s limbs one day; be his own story inked on the only place Liam could ever want to be remembered. On Zayn’s chest, right over his heart. 

 

“Ready?” The surgeon claps, spinning around in his chair and looking up at the two.

 

“Could you just give us a few minutes, doctor? Since these very well might be my last ones.”

 

“Don’t be so sure, Zayn, I can assure you the meds and staff here are trained expertly-” 

 

“Don’t you get it? Jesus Christ himself could come down here and perform the surgery on me, but unless it’s in his plan for me to survive than I’m not fucking going to!” 

 

Liam looked down, wanting his tears to land on the floor rather than on his blue shirt where the evidence stains. The surgeon pressed his lips together and swung his clipboard up to his chest, marching his way to the door. 

 

“Take as much time as you need, Zayn.” 

 

Zayn scoffed when the door clicked shut and Liam pushed out a shaky breath, dragging his puffy eyes up and meeting Zayn’s. They were glazed over on pain meds, but they shined just as bright as Liam remembers. His chest tightened. 

 

“Zayn,” he says lowly. “I don’t want this to be it. I’m going to do everything I can in there, and you’re going to come out alive and the first thing you see when you open those beautiful eyes again is going to be my face.”

 

“I wouldn’t want to wake up to anything else.” He smiles genuinely. “Liam, I just want you to know that I love you, and I’ve never said those words to anyone besides Louis and family before. I know I say it like, everyday, but you made my worst days feel like the best ones and I swear that when I was with you I didn’t hurt as much. What you’ve given me, Li, has been a chance to feel happy and alive while we both had nothing to do but sit back and watch me die- and shit, I’ll never be able to thank you for that. I might not come out of that room alive, but _god damn it Liam,_ I need you to. Can you do that for me? Can you just make sure you don’t leave any pieces of yourself in that operating room with me, because I need you to be whole and happy for the rest of your life as if I’m still here. And I will be with you always in some way, I promise. I know you’re about to go in there and save my life, but you already have. Wether this surgery works or not, you saved me, Liam Payne. Now, go do it again, but this time make sure you wear this.” 

 

Zayn dragged the surgical mask over Liam’s tear stained cheeks and over his mouth. Liam pulled it down and smashed his lips against Zayn’s as if he were a mosaic window falling apart and Liam’s lips were the only thing to glue him back together. 

 

“Zayn Malik, thank you for showing me what I was living for. Before this medical school shit, I felt like nothing. Just a wandering human bring with no chance at any potential. But then I show up here, and get assigned to your fucking room and dammit, Zayn, you were wearing the dorkiest fucking Batman tee-shirt and had the dumbest haircut I’ve ever seen in my life, but my god, that didn’t stop me from falling completely in love with you. You have my heart, Zayn Malik, until every last beat.”

 

Liam cried into Zayn’s chest for a final time before being lifted up by Zayn’s frail hand and placing a kiss to his head. This was really it- his last moments with Zayn. 

 

“And you have mine.” Zayn smiled through tears, causing Liam to reflect it and breathe out a soft laugh which Zayn wanted to be the last sound he heard echoing through his ears. Liam grabbed the gas mask in his hand, getting ready to place it over Zayn’s smiling mouth. Liam bit his lip and peered down at Zayn before putting him under, placing a hard kiss to his lips and all over the rest of his face. 

 

Zayn guided Liam’s trembling hand to his own mouth and let the calm chemicals fill his nose until he was out of touch with Liam. He wheeled them down to the operating room, admiring Zayn’s beautiful face for what might be the last time before letting the surgeon start the procedure. 

 

When it was Liam’s turn to operate, he was breathing so insanely that to calm down, he had to fill his mind with only memories of Zayn’s bright smile, and this time, he didn’t let his hands tremble.

_

 

When it was over, Liam held his face directly over Zayn’s, keeping his promise of being the first thing Zayn sees when he awakes. 

 

Liam waited. Liam waited long after Dr. Rae set his hand atop his shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze, and he waited after realization hit him. He waited, and he waited, for Zayn to open his eyes; to stare back into Liam’s and flash that one smile that always made Liam’s heart hold it’s breath. 

 

But Zayn’s eyes weren’t opening. His chest wasn’t rising and falling like it had just a few hours ago. Zayn’s lips was parted just slightly; his very last breath softly escaping and brushing against Liam’s left cheekbone. 

 

At first, Liam didn’t cry. Not one tear at all. Louis and the gang cautiously walked up the viewing window and looked in, seeing Liam blankly stare down at a pale lifeless Zayn. Louis was frozen, and Harry led Niall out of the room before Lou started his episode. At first, he pressed his hands up against the glass and just stood there staring into nothingness. Then came the first punch; the sharp impact upon the glass that didn’t make a sound on Liam’s side. Then came the screaming. The desperate, painful screams of Zayn’s name spilled from Louis’ sore throat like a tsunami. The punches, the screams, the silent shaking of the glass. It was all for Zayn; all for him to come back. 

 

“You have to come back,” Louis croaked against the cool window, his voice actually cracking in defeat. He slid is bloody hands down the now red glass and cried. A hard, sobbing, gut-wrenching cry. He didn’t care about what he said before. He wanted to _die_ without Zayn. 

 

And then there was Liam, just a few feet away but in a nearly completely different world. He still wasn’t crying; just whispering sweet nothings against Zayn’s empty body as he entered a state of shock that he never thought he would return from. Even in his mind, everything hurt. It was like being hit by a bus, but without the physical bruising or blood. Just _so much_ hurt. 

 

Zayn would have lived the rest of his life with the pain of that god damn cancer if he could have lived it by Liam Payne’s side. 

 

_ 

 

It had been 11 months since Zayn left Liam’s life colorless, and Louis’ life broken and incomplete. Louis had spent his days trying to search for pieces of Zayn in Harry and Niall but it just wasn’t the same. None of it was the same. 

 

Zayn’s mum, who Liam never got the chance to meet before, had flown in from Bradford for the funeral. She was with his sisters, who Liam also didn’t know about, and didn’t say much. She hugged Louis and kept to herself, just like Zayn used to, before sneaking one last look at her beautiful baby boy and leaving. 

 

Liam and the gang grew closer and decided to move into a small cottage down by the only place they could think of where they could feel Zayn everyday. The secret little cove with the special little carvings that felt just like home; just like Zayn.

 

Liam walked down to the shore one day and stared out at the crashing waves they had all once been laughing in. Liam remembers that day so vividly; it was one of his best. He remembers how Zayn looked with the water in his hair, sticking out all over the place and a goofy grin plastered on his face. Liam smiled to himself, staring at the wet sand that molded around his feet and watched the cool water wash up against his legs every so often. After a while, he looked up, tears stinging in his eyes. 

 

“I thought of you and how you love this beauty,

And walking up the long beach all alone 

I heard the waves breaking in measured thunder

As you and I once heard their monotone.

 

Around me were the echoing dunes, beyond me

The cold and sparkling silver of the sea --

We two will pass through death and ages lengthen

Before you hear that sound again with me.” 

 

He took in a deep breath and shoved his hands deep in his pockets. 

 

“That one’s called I Thought of You by Sara Teasdale, I thought you would like it.” Liam said, pushing out a forced laugh before starting to cry. The therapists at the hospital advised him not to do that; to talk to Zayn like he was still around. _It was unhealthy and was going to decrease his progress at a stable recovery,_ they whined to him. But Liam didn’t care because Zayn _was_ still here. Zayn was in every joke Louis cracked, and every smile that followed. Zayn was behind the mask of each hero Liam read about at the comic shop. Zayn was in each wave that crashed against Liam’s body, touching him for a brief moment before subsiding back to the ocean. Zayn was everywhere, every day, for always. 

 

_L + Z In Love for Always_

 

Liam traced his calloused fingers over the carving and slid down the tree, leaning his head back against it and shutting his eyes. Behind his lids he thought of Zayn and what it would feel like if he were holding him right now. The corners of Liam’s lips folded up into a sweet smile that he imagined Zayn mimicking. 

 

He drifted off into a sleepy haze where he was met with Zayn’s soft touches and light kisses to his neck and cheek and lips and nose, and he realized where Zayn was. Zayn was waiting for Liam every time he closed his eyes. Zayn was in every thought Liam had, in every pump of his heart. Zayn was every breath Liam took in and breathed out; Zayn was wherever Liam wanted him to be. 

 

Zayn could be right. Maybe one day, Liam will hear Zayn's laugh less and less in other people's and stop imagining the shape of his eyes each time he stares up at the sun. 

 

Maybe one day. 

 

 

 

 


End file.
